I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The convent might be a nice break from real life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
