Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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