Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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