You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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