Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
