yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
