There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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