if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
