I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
