he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
