I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
