Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize