he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
