True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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