There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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