So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
