remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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