God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
His nipple licking is glorious
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