everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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