True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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