I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
