She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
