i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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