sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
