You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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