In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
