I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
