I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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