my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
