My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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