apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize