It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
