I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize