Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
