Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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