Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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