We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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