That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize