don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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