Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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