K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
