you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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