I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
