I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
