I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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