im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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