I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
