Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
