So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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