I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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