So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
