Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
