can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
