Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
