I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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