my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
