No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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