Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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