I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
